


i don't know why you love me (but i'm glad that you do)

by sunsofmars (sun_fey)



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dark Thoughts, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Gray Fullbuster Loves Natsu Dragneel, M/M, Post-Alvarez Teikoku | Alvarez Empire Arc, Sad and Sweet, Self-Hatred, also natsu expressing deeper feelings is my kink, gray's a good boyfriend, i love these boys, like he loves him so so much, luvianasana is super minor. they're there for like two seconds, natsu is going through it but gray is there to pick him up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:15:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27031027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sun_fey/pseuds/sunsofmars
Summary: "because if you didn't, i think i'd be lost."—natsu reflects on his relationship with gray, and some dark feelings.
Relationships: Cana Alberona/Lucy Heartfilia/Juvia Lockser/Lisanna Strauss, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster
Comments: 3
Kudos: 62





	i don't know why you love me (but i'm glad that you do)

**Author's Note:**

> just a little thing that popped into my brain.....that turned out to be much longer than I thought
> 
> tbh this is more of a warm up than anything......I got good shit on the way I promise 
> 
> I've been busy with some current shit in my life.....just letting y'all know that I'm not dead (yet) and I WILL deliver on more stuff once I'm not as occupied
> 
> enjoy

Natsu is not sure how they got to this point. 

He watches silently — a rare occurence for him — as his boyfriend of a year and three months laughs with their friends at a stupid joke Cana made. Juvia tries to follow up with her own, not to be outdone by one of her girlfriends, but it falls flat, and she pouts as Lucy and Cana tease her and Lisanna comforts her by kissing her cheek. 

Gray is smiling, eyes shining as he joins in on the ribbing, and Natsu is left wondering how the man could be so beautiful, so full of life, and yet love someone like him.

A hot mess who rarely expressed his deeper feelings.

A complete and utter failure. 

A monster in human skin.

The dragonslayer stares off into the distance as he thinks back to when it all started, when one of the worst days of his life came to an end.

* * *

Right after losing Igneel, for the second and _final_ time, something in Natsu just.... _snapped_.

Natsu's mind had receded into a dark place, thoughts muddled with revenge and taking down Acnologia and _you're a worthless excuse for a son_ and _death death death_ , his heart aching from a wound that would never heal.

A few days later, he'd made the ultimate decision: he was going to leave Fairy Tail and train to become stronger. Train to defeat Acnologia and avenge his father. 

Gray caught him packing when he came over to his house on the third day of him being MIA from the guild, and they'd gotten into one of the worst shouting matches they'd ever had.

Gray had screamed at and berated him, accusing him of deserting his friends, his _family_ , when they needed him most.

Natsu shouted back that he _needed_ to do this, needed to get stronger, for them and for Igneel. 

"If I can't even avenge my own father, how am I supposed to keep everyone safe?! I have to go, Gray. I have to do this." 

"So you were just going to go without saying anything? To either one of us? That's so fucking selfish of you, Natsu. We're your fucking family, the least you can do is let us know you're leaving and where you're going!"

"You would just follow me!"

"Damn fucking right I would, you stupid fucking asshole!" 

"No! I don't want you to follow me! I need to do this on my own!" 

"You're not the only one who lost someone, Natsu. I had to kill my own dad! Do you know how fucking soul-shattering that was for me?! You don't have to do this alone!"

"I'm sorry, Gray, I really am, but I do. You wouldn't understand." 

"I understand fucking plenty—"

"No you don't!" Natsu had screamed at the top of his lungs. "No you fucking don't! You don't get how it feels to be abandoned!"

Gray's eyes narrowed. "That's what you're doing right now." 

Natsu froze. "That's—"

"You're abandoning us. You're leaving us behind. You're leaving me behind, Natsu."

"No, I'm not. This is different. I'm going to get stronger. I'm not leaving you." 

"But you are! You're doing the same thing Igneel did you you! Do you want us to go though that same pain?!"

"No! Shut up! You don't fucking know what you're talking about! You don't know what I went through with Igneel!"

"You never told me! You went off and tried to deal with it on your own! That's not fair, Natsu! We're nakama, and nakama are supposed to share each other's pain!" Gray stepped into his space, and Natsu shoved him back, growling when the ice mage grabbed him. "Natsu, you're not alone in this. Stop trying to run away and do shit on your own." 

"Let go." Natsu's voice had dropped dangerously.

"Not until you get it into your thick ass skull that I'm not going anywhere. You're not alone, Natsu. Stop trying to isloate yourself."

"I'm not. I just— I need to get stronger—"

"You can do that without running off and falling off the face of the planet. You can do that without being alone, Natsu. You have everyone in Fairy Tail." His voice softened. "You have me. I'm not leaving you." 

At hearing Gray's soft assurances, at hearing his voice so filled with love, Natsu broke, tears welling up and spilling from his eyes, a heart wrenching sob being torn from his throat. 

_why are you acting like this? i'm a fuck up. i'm a terrible son. i'm damaged goods._

_whywhywhy?_

"Why do you care so much? Why won't you leave me be?" 

Gray pulled him into a bone crushing hug, lips pressed close to his ear. "Because I love you." 

Those words had Natsu freezing up before he started bawling his eyes out, burying his face into Gray's neck and squeezing him around the waist. Gray didn't seem to mind, embracing him just as fiercely, rubbing soothing circles into his back while murmuring sweet nothings into his ear.

"I love you so much."

"You're my everything."

"I'll never leave you. I'm not going anywhere." 

Eventually, Gray had to let him go and lay him down when Natsu started to wheeze and hiccup. He'd brought him water, made him drink the whole glass before laying beside him and spooning him, pressing sweet little kisses to the back of his neck and shoulders.

Natsu had fallen asleep to Gray whispering about how much he loved him. 

The next day, Gray went home and packed to go with him on his journey, and had silenced Natsu with a look when he tried to argue. 

"Natsu, I told you. You're not doing it alone. You won't get rid of me." 

Gray had kissed him on the nose and then dragged him towards the guild to tell everyone they were leaving.

There were cries of outrage, nods of understanding, and even a few had burst into prompt tears. But no one tried to stop them, and sent them off with happy farewells.

Lucy had jabbed them both in their sides and told them not to act stupid before kissing them both on the cheek. Erza had yanked their heads into her breastplate and demanded they keep them updated. Wendy tearfully asked them to stay safe and be careful and gave them each a tight hug. .

The two of them made their promises and, along with Happy, started the journey together.

A year later, the war with Alvarez started, and while Natsu had become stronger, more resilient than before....

Nothing had prepared him for the bomb that had dropped and exploded in his face. 

He was END.

_He_ was _END_.

_He was the demon his father had tried to kill._

_He had tried to hurt Gray._

Not only was he a bad son, and a bad lover, but he was a monster, too.

At least he'd been able to defeat Acnologia once and for all. He wasn't completely useless.

But, even though he'd avenged his father, and kept his loved ones safe, and saved the entire continent...

  
  
He still felt like a failure. 

  
  
_and he was still a monster._

  
  
He spent a good three and a half weeks after the war avoiding Gray — and the guild by extension — like the plague, and by the time his boyfriend had finally busted down his door in rage, Natsu hadn't gotten up from his bed in over a week. 

He heard Gray stomping through his house, yelling his name as he searched, and didn't flinch when his bedroom door flew open, thudding against the wall loudly. 

  
  
There was a moment where everything was quiet, where Natsu was expecting Gray to yell at him, to demand why he hadn't spoken to him or their friends or even _left his house_ in almost a month, but there was nothing, for almost a minute.

Natsu heard the sound of boots thudding as they hit the hardwood floor, then footsteps. The mattress dipped behind him, and arms immediately surrounded him as Gray settled in behind him. It made Natsu stiffen and curl up into a ball. 

Silence. Then, "Natsu..."

"No." Natsu's voice was weak and shaky. 

"What's wrong? Why'd you go missing?"

"Gray, don't."

"I was really worried, you know. We all were. I thought maybe you up and died in here."

"Gray. _No_."

"Baby, _please_.... just tell me what's wrong...."

At the pleading note in Gray's voice, and the arms around him hugging him closer, Natsu burst into tears, his body trembling and his sobs quiet.

"Oh, Natsu." Gray managed to get him to face him and held him close, wiping his tears and kissing his cheeks while murmuring sweet words to him. 

"Why?" Natsu asked him, his chest aching. "Why do you love me? Why, why, _why_?"

Gray's thumbs ceased their movement on his cheeks. His hands felt warm on his face as he looked Natsu in the eye and told him.

"Because you're my everything, Natsu." 

Natsu's eyes squeezed out more tears as he stared up at Gray. "But why? What is there to love about me? I'm a failure. I'm a bad son, a bad big brother, a bad _boyfriend_. And I'm a fucking _monster_ , Gray. How could you possibly love me?"

Gray immediately snorted, and Natsu scrunched up his nose and was about to pull away until Gray spoke up.

"You think you're the only one who feels that way, Natsu?" 

Natsu's eyebrows furrowed. "What?"

"Am I a monster, Natsu?"

The dragonslayer's eyes widened. "What? No, of course not!"

"What about Mira? Or Freed? Or Minerva? Are they monsters? Are we suddenly bad people?"

"Gray, no! Why are you asking me this—"

"So if we're not bad people, why do you think _you're_ a bad person?" 

"That's different, though...."

"It isn't. You're not a monster, Natsu. You've got a human heart, one that's big and full of love, and that's all that matters." The ice mage smiled. "I know you don't believe me yet, but I promise, no matter how long it takes, I will always remind you about how wonderful you truly are." Gray placed a gentle kiss on his lover's nose.

Natsu's eyes watered again. "Gray...."

"I love you, Natsu. I always will."

They spent the rest of the night cuddling, exchanging kisses, and staring into one another's eyes with smiles on their lips.

* * *

Gray had been right. Natsu still didn't believe him when he says that he's beautiful, and pure-hearted, and a good man. But Natsu was willing to start. 

But sometimes, the things he didn't want to think about, that he pushed back to the darkest parts of his mind, would gently resurface and sour his mood and make him feel worthless again.

Gray was always there to ward away those demons, though.

"Hey, beautiful."

Natsu looks up, blinking at his boyfriend, who had a gorgeous smile on his pretty face. He didn't notice him approaching; a quick glance at the bar tells him that the girls had started with their mushiness, and Gray must've been wanting to be the same with him.

Natsu smiles. "Hi." 

"What're you thinking about?" Gray sits on the bench beside his, hand on his cheek and elbow on the table, and gazes at Natsu lovingly. He's always telling Natsu how stunning he is, but really, it's Gray who's the beautiful one.

Natsu's heart skips a beat. "You. How good you are to me. And how much I love and appreciate you."

Gray grins, and gods, it looks so pretty on him. Natsu can't help but return it.

"Yeah?" He asks, leaning forward.

"Yeah...." Natsu meets him half way, and they're kissing. It's short and chaste, but sweet all the same, and Gray cups Natsu's cheek in his hand when they separate, stroking over his freckled cheek with his thumb.

Gray's eyes are glimmering happily. "I'll always be good to you, Natsu. You deserve it; you deserve to be loved to the fullest extent. I'll always give that to you, if you'll let me." 

Natsu's not going to cry right now. He'll save them for later, when he's looking back on these words; he'll replay them, over and over, and worship them, like they're scriptures from a god.

Natsu's smile is shaky as he responds, "of course I'll let you, icicle."

Gray laughs at the dumb nickname and kisses him again.

"I love you, Natsu." Gray murmurs. "Forever and always."

"I love you too, Gray." Natsu replies, heart feeling full. "Thank you for loving me."

_One day_ , he thinks, _I'll know how I got here_. 

He can't wait for that day.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah I added some luvianasana. what of it
> 
> nah but I just wanted Natsu and some sad feelings since he DOESN'T EVER HAVE ANY
> 
> (🖕🏾 @ mashima let my baby exPRESS HIMSELF YOU COWARD)
> 
> anyway thank u q and Greek for reviewing!!!! 💞💞💞💞


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